literature

My End and My Beginning - Chapter 7

Deviation Actions

JessGaskell's avatar
By
Published:
920 Views

Literature Text

Title: My End and My Beginning, Chapter 7: Ductus Exemplo
Author: Jess Gaskell
Game: Preceding Mass Effect,
Characters: FemShep/Joker/Chakwas/Anderson.
Content: What if you had a chance to go back and redo the worse decisions you ever made. With a second chance, can Shepard overcome her demons and finally bring the cycle to an end? Follow her as she forms the relationships that will give her something to truly fight for.
Rating: T for some explicit language.
DisclaimerMass Effect and all its characters belong to EA/Bioware. I am borrowing their wonderful characters and setting to put my own spin on the universe Bioware has created. Everything else is the result of my own imagination gone wild!
Take me to where it all began! (Chapter 1)
<--- Chapter 6

WARNING PLEASE NOTE: There is a scene up ahead suggesting the occurrence of a sexual assault. It is a brief and vague reference with no descriptions of the assault however I wanted to make you aware just in case.



Ductus Exemplo

Amelia cradled her fourth mug of coffee and stared through the holo-fire, sleep would not grace her with it's presence tonight, of that she was sure. The conversation from earlier with Karin was still buzzing around in her head.

-o-

"Have you asked yourself why you haven't let her in?" Karin probed.

"I...I don't know." Amelia replied while avoiding eye contact.

"Do you love her?"

"Yes, I think so...I don't know. I thought I did, but, when my CO told me I could only go to funeral if Jen went with me, all I could think was that I didn't want her there. If I loved her wouldn't I want her there?"

The question had been rhetorical, but Karin chose to pursue an answer anyway.

"Will you let me tell you what I think?"

There was a moment of pause before Amelia nodded once for Karin to continue.

"I think when you joined The Alliance, you created a protective barrier around the Amelia we know and adore. The problem came when you met Jen, who was part of The Alliance, you didn't know how to let her in and still keep the rest out. So you took the easy option and kept her out too."

Karin studied Amelia's face trying to get a read on her, she looked so lost.

Amelia's remorse filled eyes met Karin's, "I don't want to lose her, but I don't know if I can fix this, even if she gave me the chance to try, I don't know how to..." with that her final thread of control snapped.

"Oh darling, come here." Karin said pulling Amelia into a protective embrace, an embrace Amelia knew so well, here she was free to be scared and weak without judgement or consequence.

When the sobs subsided, Karin handed Amelia the tissues and stroked her damp copper hair out of her face. After cleaning herself up Amelia gave Karin a sheepish look, "Sorry."

"Darling, the day you have to apologise to me for being human is the day I don't deserve the privilege to see it."

"Ha," Amelia laughed "a privilege to see me in such a mess? You are a twisted woman."

"Well I'm pretty sure Jen would give anything to see that side of you, so apparently it's a privilege."

"Ouch, don't worry what wounds you poor that salt on will you?" Amelia said raising an eyebrow.

Karin smirked and shook her head as she took a mouthful of her now tepid tea. Staring into the mug she thought for a moment, then looking up at Amelia she asked "Why did you let me in?"

Amelia, who had been drinking her coffee at the time almost choked in response. She wasn't sure why, but this question felt like she'd had a live grenade dropped in her lap. When she caught her breath she was still trying to assemble some sort of reply. "Errm…"

"It's just...that day on Mindoir when I found you, I saw you shutting down in front of me. One minute your eyes glazed over and I was sure I wouldn't get another word from you. The next minute, I don't know, but it was as if someone just switched the lights back on and then you told me your name."

For a moment Amelia considered lying, but aside from the fact she couldn't think of anything believable to say, she didn't lie to Karin and even if she did, Karin would know in an instant. "Ok, but you're gonna think I'm crazy."

Amelia saw Karin's brow furrow, she knew she wouldn't like the idea of Amelia having kept something from her.

"I hope that is a joke, because I would never think you were crazy. I love you more than anyone else in the galaxy Amelia Shepard." Karin said without even a hint of a playful tone.

Despite getting the distinct feeling she'd just been scolded, Amelia couldn't stop the corners of her mouth stretching from ear to ear. "I love you too mum."

Although she didn't say it often, she did occasionally call Karin mum, not mom, someone else already held that title, but with Karin being English, mum felt, acceptable.

Karin tried, and failed to fight the smile, "Now don't think you can get out of trouble by sucking up to me young lady." She said with a warmth in her voice.

Amelia smiled and then gave a Karin serious look, "You're right, I was shutting down, it all hurt so much and it felt like I was drowning in the pain. So I started building a wall around myself to lock myself away."

Karin nodded showing that was what she had suspected "Then what stopped you?"

"A voice, a shadowy figure helped me put a door in the wall that I was building and told me to trust you." Amelia knew how mad it sounded, but Karin's face didn't flinch for a second.

"When you say a voice, you mean there was actually someone there? Not just like when having an inner conversation with your conscience?"

Amelia stared into to holo-fire "No, I have plenty of those conversations. This was...it felt like there was someone else in my head, telling me not to cut myself off, she said that there would be no going back if I did. That I should trust you and David because you would keep me safe." She looked back at Karin who was studying her, "She was right. I don't want to imagine what my life would have been like without you."

"Well, whoever it was, whatever their motivations were, I for one, am glad they were there to stop you. The thought of not having you in my life...well, let's not even go there." Karin said with a frown.

The two women sat in silence for a moment, almost as if giving thanks to whoever it was that brought them together.

It was Karin that broke the silence, "Well, getting back on topic, I'm going to give you my closing opinion. Jen is a wonderful girl that adores the part of you that you let her have and I know she would love the other part of you all the more. If you love her, you'd be a fool not to try and let her in. If you don't, then it's time to leave her be."

Amelia nodded slowly, "I know. I do love her, but I'm scared."

"The Amelia Shepard I know wouldn't let fear stop her from achieving her goals, so think on it. Now I must go to sleep." Karin leaned across the sofa and kissed Amelia on the forehead. "Try and get some sleep too, I love you."

Amelia smiled, "Can't promise sleep, but love you too."

-o-

Here she was, two hours later, as far from sleep as anyone could get, but at least she now knew what she was going to do.

She poured the last of the coffee into her mug, turned on the vid-screen and settled down to kill the remaining few hours left until morning, by watching reruns of 'Colony Life', a terrible soap opera that shouldn't have been aired the first time, let alone rerun.


"I said I'd call you when I was ready to talk." Jen said irritation in her tone.

Amelia had hoped she might be invited in, but judging by Jen's body language it was clear that wasn't going to happen, so the porch it was. "I know, but I realised if you were going to be thinking everything over, I should at least give you something worth thinking about."

Jen looked away, Amelia guessed she was deciding whether to shut the door in her face. "Ok." she said stepping onto the porch and closing the door behind her.

Amelia leaned against the railing looking out over the beach, Jen's parents' place was stunning.

"So I guess I need to start from the beginning for it to make the slightest sense. I was sixteen when the batarian's attacked Mindoir. It was just a normal summer day and I was at the movies with my girlfriend and my sisters. I went to the bathroom while the girls waited in the foyer, I heard the gunshots, but all three of them were dead by the time I got back out. I killed the batarian that killed them with his own shotgun. That's the real reason I haven't been back inside a movie theatre since."

Amelia paused, looked at Jen seeing the horror on her face and hesitated before continuing. "There was so much death, my sisters, girlfriend, parents, the whole damn colony. No sixteen year old should have to kill to survive. If it wasn't for Karin, they would have thrown me into a kid's psych facility. God knows what sort of a mess I'd been right now."

"I had no idea. You always played it down, I thought the stories were all exaggerated." Jen whispered.

"When I joined The Alliance, I knew there'd be more death, so I decided to protect myself from it, but then you found me. I should have let you in, but I was scared, I was a coward and kept you out too." Amelia turned to Jen and looked into her eyes, "I'm not tell you this to try and win a sympathy vote and I'm not trying to excuse what I did, I just wanted you to know why."

As Jen stared at her, Amelia felt as if she was touching her very soul. "Thank you, for telling me. It helps me understand a little more how we got to where we are. But I can't have a relationship with a disguise Amelia."

"I know, I wouldn't expect you to...any more. I do love you Jen, I want to let you in, to let you get to know the side of me that Jeff and Karin know. I'm just not sure how, but if you're willing to give me a chance, I want to try." Amelia was almost pleading, even she hadn't realised how much she loved Jen until she was right here in this moment.

Jen looked out over the sand, "We can't just jump back to how things were, I'm going to continue to stay with my parents, but I am willing to give us a try. No more secrets though, no matter how hard or how much it hurts, you have to be open and honest with me."

Amelia nodded, "I will, I promise."


"Marines, I shouldn't have to tell you the gravity of this mission, we do this for the colonists who lost their lives during the Elysium attack. Your heads must be in the game, there is no room for mistakes. We will show those batarians they cannot attack a human colony and get away with it. Who's with me?!"

"Oorah." the deafening battle cry echoed off the hanger's structure.

It wasn't hard to discern that General Rosenberg had a personal stake in this mission. Losing anyone was enough to spark an ember for revenge, but to lose your entire family, that created a blaze.

"Then let's get this done. Semper Fi." the General said dismissing the marines before him.

"Do or Die!" the chorus of voices rang out in regimented unison.

Two hundred marines under one roof, a spellbinding demonstration of the level of discipline drilled into marines. Two hundred salutes in perfect unison, two hundred voices so in time they were as one, it was a spine tingling experience, one that never failed to fill him with pride.

As the crowd dispersed into their brigades, the brigade leaders gathered around the General for their specific orders.

"Major Kyle, I want the 201st to take lead on the day, I'm assigning Second Lieutenant Shepard as your second for this mission." the General ordered.

"With all due respect General, Shepard is not the highest ranked marine in my brigade and has no active duty leadership experience."

Rosenberg could see the reluctance in Kyle's eyes, he was right that Shepard wasn't seasoned in leadership, but even in training she exuded exceptional leadership skills. Her potential was far superior than Kyle's ever would be. What Kyle didn't need to know was why he wanted Shepard.

"And she never will if we don't give her the chance, will she Major? Is everyone clear on their brigade's roles tomorrow?"

"Sir yes Sir" the brigade leaders replied.

"Dismissed. Major Kyle, when you've finished briefing your team, send Shepard to my office."

"I...yes Sir."


Shepard took a deep breath before knocking on the steel office door. She had been shocked when her CO said she was second for this mission, ignoring the fact she had no active duty leadership experience, this was also an important mission. From the Major's body language she could tell he wasn't happy about it, so the decision was an order from the General, but why?

"Come," the bassy voice commanded, "ah Shepard, come in."

Shepard focused on calming her nerves as she drew to attention two feet from the shabby desk.

Rosenberg looked up and Shepard was sure she saw a twitch at the corners of his mouth. "At ease Second Lieutenant. I suppose you're wondering why I assigned you as 201st's second for this mission."

"That had crossed my mind Sir." Shepard replied still not feeling overly at ease.

Rosenberg turned his back to Shepard and looked out the window, the only redeeming feature of the dingy little office, it wasn't exactly what Shepard had expected for a General.

"You and I have something in common Shepard, we both lost our entire families to those batarian bastards. I know you were only a teenager when it happened, but I've read the reports, I know what hell you had to go through to survive that. Something like that changes a person."

To say Shepard was uncomfortable with this conversation would have been a colossal understatement, this wasn't a topic she spoke about with anyone but Karin, and even then, they hadn't spoken in detail in a long time. She was most definitely not looking for a heart to heart with her CO's CO.

"My wife and three children were murdered in cold blood on Elysium, the youngest was nine months old. Tomorrow would have been her third birthday. You more than any of the two hundred marines out there understand that burn for revenge. Major Kyle is a good leader, but he's weak, when it comes to it, he won't be able to do what needs to be done. That's why you have to be his second."

"What needs to be done Sir?" Shepard was getting a bad feeling about where this conversation was leading.

What is he asking?

"Take no prisoners. They didn't show mercy to unarmed civilians; we will not show mercy to them. Whatever the cost, not one batarian will leave that moon alive, is that clear?"

Shepard's mind was reeling.

He can't seriously be ordering me to ensure anyone that surrenders is executed.

"Sir, I do understand the burn for revenge, but, what you're asking, it's against protocol. The Major wouldn't do that, to ensure that was carried out, I'd have to…"

"Deem the Major unfit and relieve him of duty." the General finished her sentence with a detached tone, as if he'd just told her to pat her CO on the back.

Shepard stared at him incredulously.

Say something.

Like what? 'Yes Sir of course I'll overthrow my CO and lead a merciless massacre.'?

Or 'No Sir, I have morals and I won't be party to this madness.'?

Which will undoubtedly be the end of my career.

Not necessarily...

"Shepard?" The General said startling Shepard from her thoughts. "Can I count on you? Or did I misjudge your dedication to The Alliance? The success of this mission would be an excellent boost for your career. The failure of it however…"

And there is it…

What now?

Only one thing for it.

Shepard closed her eyes and found the wall in front of her. As she opened the door the memories she was looking for hit her full force.

The theatre foyer, Hailey and her sister's lifeless bodies laying encircled in a pool of their own blood, the faceless batarian laying at the side of them.

Her home, the tell tale smear of blood on the outside of their front door. Her father's body tied to a chair, facing her mothers bloody, violated body left indecently exposed on their living room floor.

Countless bodies strewn across the colony's streets, now a wash with Mindoir blood, blood that would never wash away.

As she closed the door and opened her eyes, she felt a vengeful inferno blaze inside, an inferno that would get the job done, whatever the cost.

"No Sir, you did not misjudge my dedication. It will be done."

She saw a smug look pass across the General's face that made her feel nauseous, the son of a bitch had her exactly where he wanted her and he knew it. "Excellent, I have every confidence in you Shepard." The General said as he walked round the desk and stood directly in front of her, "Ductus Exemplo."

Shepard looked him in the eyes. How could he act with honour after giving such dishonourable orders. She did not reply, a slight nod and salute and she was dismissed.


Amelia's head was spinning as she made her way through the corridors. The full realisation of what she had just agreed to hit her as she had closed the door behind her, mass murder at any cost. She felt physically sick and barely made it to the toilet before throwing up.

When her stomach had nothing left to give she exited the stall and splashed her face with water, looking at the stranger in the mirror. "What have I done?" she whispered aloud.

"What's wrong?" The familiar voice behind her startled her, "Sorry, didn't mean to make you jump."

Amelia looked at Jen through the mirror, she was in no state of mind to hide anything at that moment, she also realised, for the first time, she didn't want to hide from her.

When Jen registered the look on Amelia's face, concern flooded her eyes. She ran over to Amelia, turned her round and cupped her face in her hands. "Baby what's wrong?"

As Jen studied her, Amelia realised Jen was seeing more of the real Amelia Shepard in that moment than she had in the last two years of their relationship. "I've made a huge mistake." Amelia managed to say before the tears took control.


They both sat in silence on the surprisingly clean bathroom floor, both leaning against the cold tiled wall. Jen had listened as Amelia told her of everything that had happened behind that hateful steel door.

"I can't believe he's put you in this position, he blackmailed you and now he can court martial you for disobeying orders if you don't go through with it." Jen said disbelief lacing every word.

"God Jen what do I do? Maybe I should just go tell him I won't do it and accept the court martial here and now."

"You can't do that, it's not fair."

"At any cost...what if our intel is wrong and we're hopelessly out numbered? He still expects it done, we could lose the majority of the marines and he wouldn't care. Is that what I'm supposed to do? Not care?" Amelia said dropping her head onto her knees in defeat. "Either way I've lost."

"Not if the intel is good and we keep to a solid strategy." Jen said putting her marine head on.

"But I still have to lead a massacre, no prisoners, armed or not, no batarian leaves that planet alive. That's what he said. I'm no fan of batarians, but, I'm a marine, not a murderer." Amelia said with disgust.

"Well, it's not a colony, it's a base for criminals. It's not ideal, but…it could be worse. Whatever you decide I'm with you." There wasn't a second of hesitation in Jen's words.

Amelia lifted her head and looked into Jen's caramel eyes with amazement. "Thank you."


"You have to do something, this could undo all the good that has happened since our first intervention." The Second said panic-stricken.

"What would you have me do? Convince her to not go ahead with it? You heard them, that will result in her being discharged from The Alliance, then what use would she be?" The First countered.

"I...she is such a different person to what she was the first time round. She has such a rich life now, I hate to think that this might turn her back to how she was." The Second replied sadly.

The First moved to her and rested her hand on her shoulder, "I know, but just look at the extreme differences in how she has reacting this time to last. The first time she was gleeful at the proposition, this time she was physically sick because of it. She has also confided in Jennifer which will give her support on the mission and help keep her grounded. It will scar her, but I believe she will get no satisfaction from what is to come."

The Second let out a sigh in defeat and nodded "You are right, I just wish there was another way."


It hadn't taken long for Kyle to lose his nerve and call a retreat, Shepard had hoped, just for a minute that he'd have the courage to follow through, that she wouldn't need to make a choice, but no such luck.

The look on his face when she relieved him of duty and took control of the mission would forever be burnt into Shepard's memory, a look of betrayal, disbelief and anger.

It turned out, their intel wasn't good, they were vastly outnumbered. Under normal circumstances any Commanding Officer would have called for a full retreat, but these weren't normal circumstances. Despite their disadvantage in numbers, they had the element of surprise and the benefit of all being trained to be the best.

As the last batarians threw down their arms and surrendered, Shepard radioed for what was left of The Alliance brigades to report in. All reports confirmed either all hostiles down or surrendered.

She reached for her radio. "Final orders. All remaining hostiles are to be terminated."

"Terminated? But ma'am, they've surrendered, they're unarmed and on their knees." a voice crackled over the radio. She had expected to be questioned, she would have herself if she was given that order.

"General Rosenberg's orders. Take no prisoners. So I say again, terminate remaining hostiles, quick and clean. All brigade leaders please acknowledge."

They all hesitantly reported acknowledged and understood.

Shepard turned and looked at the now terrified batarians before her, closing her eyes, she dug deep, when she found the face she was looking for she opened her eyes. Every batarian in front of her was now wearing the same face, the face of the first batarian she killed.

Drawing her heavy pistol she took aim and shot each one between their four eyes, quick and clean.

When all teams had reported all hostiles terminated she ordered the remaining fifty seven marines to regroup at the extraction point.

Jen come up along side Amelia. "One hundred and forty three losses." Amelia whispered for only Jen to hear.

"We were up against double our own numbers, having anyone come out alive is a miracle and it's thanks to your leadership." Jen whispered in reply.

"With those odds, the best leadership would have pulled out."

"But that wasn't an option you were given. You made the best of a bad situation. Hang on to that."

Amelia looked a Jen, giving her a slight smile. "Thank you. I don't think I could have…"

As the deafening explosion threw them both backwards Amelia felt a searing pain shoot through her right thigh. She tried to get her bearings while fighting a wave of nausea while explosions and gunfire went off around her, they'd walked into an ambush.

Hard as she tried she couldn't clear her head of the fog, she realised she must have a concussion. She tried to think back through the seconds before the blast, it must have been a proximity grenade, when she realise where it originated her blood ran cold, Jen was closer to the blast.

Amelia tried to call out for Jen but her weak voice was lost in the ongoing battle. Eventually an eerie quiet fell over the battlefield.

"Shepard?" She heard one of her squad say, "Thank god you're alive, don't talk ma'am we'll get you both out of here."

Both? she breathed a mental sigh of relief, Jen was alive too. With that knowledge consciousness left her.

To Be Continued…




Please take some time to check out my website here

Find me on Fan Fiction

Follow me on Twitter

and Like my page on Facebook

Thank you!

A/N:

Hey again,

I'd like to apologise for making you wait so long for this new chapter (although I have a feeling one a fortnight may become an average from here on out), I appreciate your patience and I hope this satisfies your need for a while!

I hope you all enjoyed that and it has left you wanting more!

It's exactly 6 weeks today since I published the 1st chapter of MEMB! In those 6 weeks it has received nearly 1100 views on fanfiction alone. The positive response is overwhelming and I am very grateful to all you readers out there! :happybounce: 


I wanted to give you all some context on the meaning of and reason for using the two latin phrases I included. I apologise to any marines if I have used them in a not so correct context, I researched as much as I could to try and make sure it was used as it should be.

  • "The motto here at officer candidates school is Ductus Exemplo, which is latin for Lead by Example." - Capt Chad. J. Althiser.
  • "Semper fidelis is a Latin phrase that means 'always faithful' or 'always loyal'. Well known in the United States as the motto of the United States Marine Corps and often shortened to semper fi in Marine contexts." - wikipedia5
  • The reply Do or Die is taken from a marines song lyrics "Semper Fi, do or die, hold 'em high at 8th and I" and can be used as a reply to Semper Fi.


Once again heads up to elmjuniper for your encouragement and beta reading!

Thanks to you all for reading and please do comment to let me know what you think! :D (Big Grin) 

Chapter 8 --->

© 2014 - 2024 JessGaskell
Comments15
Join the community to add your comment. Already a deviant? Log In
BlueKosh's avatar
Looks like Shepard and Jen are on the mend, or were at least, but now Jen is either dead or severely injured. That's a bummer.
I'm a bit surprised that Shepard shot the captured Batarians herself, that was unexpected. But with her drawing on her link to the dark side, she got it done. That was an interesting part, in a horrifying kind of way.

You are severely behind your 2 week schedule, will there be another chapter soon?